Confronted with the Ugly

I knew there was a chance that this would happen someday. A family friend is pregnant with triplets. This girl’s mom (we’ll call her Julie) called my mom recently—they’re very close friends—to let her know before she found out elsewhere. Mom told me last night. And now, I’m confronted with some ugly feelings (the ugly is all me, by the way!  Not Julie or her situation).

Ugh. I don’t know how I’m *supposed* to feel here. I suspect that I should feel optimism and benevolent hope and excitement for Julie.  And honestly, I AM happy for her—she’s experienced several pregnancy losses, at least one in the second trimester, and has wanted this so badly. I’m happy that she’s pregnant; but I feel scared for her that she’s looking at a long, hard road. Then again, she has a child (he’s now 5) so maybe her body will do better handling a triplet pregnancy than mine did. The pregnancy losses she’s experienced concern me, though, as I’m sure they concern her. I know she’ll be very carefully monitored (by my doctor no less, he who delivered Adam, Joey and Paul and then Tatum) and hopefully she’ll be able to carry her babies long enough.  

I won’t lie—I feel envious. Which feels so wrong, and if something DOES go wrong with Julie’s pregnancy I know already that I’m going to hate myself for feeling this way. Mom said Julie is super excited about the pregnancy, and I remember those feelings. That innocent bliss and excited disbelief over the sheer abundance of your blessing. I wish I could have experienced the joy of having our babies with us forever. I hope Julie gets to have that. But I’m wistful and jealous, and I know it’s going to be hard hearing about this pregnancy as it progresses. 

My mom told Julie’s mom that she’ll help when the babies arrive. There’s a dark little part of me that hates this. Mom was supposed to be helping with MY babies. That’s the reason we moved back to my hometown; so that we could be near our family during the exciting and tumultuous first months of juggling the needs of three newborns. Of course for us, that didn’t come to pass. If mom instead ends up spending time with Julie and her babies, there’s definitely going to be a part of me (not to worry, I’ll bury it down there nice and deep!) that receives this knowledge like a knife in the heart. I’m crying just thinking about it. Who knew that I was so possessive of my mom? From Tatum I think some mommy-possessiveness is to be expected, but it’s not very becoming in a 35-year-old. 

SIGH. I know this shouldn’t be a big deal—just like I know it’s going to eat up way more of my subconscious than I’d prefer in the months to come. 

Please send some good vibes in Julie’s direction. I’m sure she’s going to need them, even if her pregnancy with triplets goes as perfectly as a multiples pregnancy can possibly go. And while you’re at it, please send me strength to be a good person and not cry if my mom ends up helping out with this family of babies at some point down the road.