Crisis of Confidence

We had to push back our second scheduled FET date (originally planned for June 20) for a variety of reasons. Travel, work, finances--things just weren't adding up to June being a good month to possibly make a baby.

Unfortunately now, I'm suffering a crisis of confidence. I'm not sure if it's all the waiting or having just turned 36 last week or what...but I'm struggling to remain optimistic that this will work. And that's kind of unusual.  I've always felt that IVF was our ticket to a family (an expensive ticket to a crazy ride, to be sure, but our ticket none-the-less) and now, I'm not so sure. Clearly having the last cycle fail is taking a toll on my belief in this miracle of a medical procedure.  And the thing is, our embryo implanted--ever so briefly--so the transfer WAS a success. My body failed. So now...I'm frightened that I'm too old for this.  Too old to successfully carry another baby.  Too old to survive the late nights with a newborn AND be able to cheerfully and competently mother my active toddler boy.  My birthday last week stung a bit, not only because my husband was out of town, but also because that refrain just kept singing through my head: "Too old, too old, too old."

Really, I know the 30s are the new 20s!  I'm probably more fit and healthy now than I actually was in my late 20s!  (Now if I could rewind to what I looked and felt like at 21, THAT I would do! ;).  My concerns aren't entirely physical, though, although I do feel aches and pains a bit more now than I did 4-5 years ago (lower back, feet, neck, etc.)--there's a mental aspect to all of this too.  It's tough to gear up and get my optimism and faith in this process in check when I thought we'd be done by now.  I thought we'd be well on our way toward raising a family by this time in our lives, not just starting out.  My sister, younger than I am by 2 years, has a six-year-old, a 3-year-old, and a 22-month-old.  I watch her deal with the challenges of an active, athletic, creative boy at age 6, and see how much energy and ingenuity and patience is required for that kind of parenting, and I think, "I"ll be doing that when I'm 40!!!!"  GoodNESS.  Will I have what it takes?!  And if I'm worried about having the energy and reserves to be a great mom to Tatum when he hits that stage, should I even be THINKING about parenting another child?

SIGH.  How wonderful it would be to just GET PREGNANT.  To have the thing occur without all of this anxiety and over-thinking and to just move forward in a natural, "Oh, we're pregnant!  What now?!" kind of way...how amazing.  How NORMAL. I need to get out of my head a bit, I think, if we're going to move forward with the transfer next month.  I really do want T-man to have the experience of growing up with a sibling. I think it's a special bond, one that I loved and one that I want for him.  I just hope I'm parent enough to make it through the next 5 (10...18!) years with patience and grace and energy for all of his activities and ideas. I want more than anything to be that fun, youthful, go-to parent!  He deserves that, and if we ARE able to get pregnant again, his little brother or sister certainly deserves that, too.