Hopeful again (also, Prague rocks)

Apparently what it takes to get me ready for attempting another pregnancy is two 11-hour plane rides and several days in a foreign city with my husband. Ahhhhhh.  Bruce and I were in Prague last week (well, he’s still there on business—I’m back home with the amazing Tate!).  And it was FANTASTIC.  I’d almost forgotten the sensation of wandering around in another country, exploring to our hearts content with no schedule, eating whenever we wanted, drinking whenever (and whatever!), and sleeping as needed.  I feel so indulged, so full of culture and beauty and yes…Czech beer!  Nothing like a trip abroad to give you a little perspective. 

 Because even surrounded by these sensational sights and eating this wonderful food and drinking this tasty, plentiful beer—what I kept noticing was the babies!  Europeans are so intrepid with their kiddos. They take them out everywhere, any time of day. We saw quite a few babies in bars—some out well past midnight!, and those big European trams are made to roll over cobblestone streets and up mountains, apparently. I’m astounded by the hills we saw people climbing with baby carriage in hand (and I fully understand why you don’t see many a fat European woman).  Every time I heard a baby cry, my head would wrench around to get a glimpse of chubby pink goodness. And I realized that not only was I missing Tatum (of course, that goes without saying!) but I was also thinking about holding another newborn.  And thinking that really, I could get on board with doing that again. 

Suddenly the bag of goodies I traveled with to Prague (estrogen patches, Lupron, various pills) made more sense. I didn’t have the “why am I doing this” moment each time I jabbed myself with a needle, nor did I feel that bewildered and almost sad feeling that I’ve been plagued with since I started prepping for our next transfer a month ago. Instead, I’m starting to get those butterflies of excitement in my stomach accompanied by the familiar anxiety over where this will work or not. I’ll take it over my earlier feelings of apathy/depression about this cycle any day! Even though I try not to get my hopes up too much, at the same time, I have to believe this will work and WANT it to work in order for any of this to make sense—the drugs, the anxiety, the tax it puts on my body and my emotions. 

I woke up this morning jet-lagged and bleary, but decided to forgo the cup of coffee I enjoyed each morning in Prague. After indulging in all that good stuff abroad, I’m back to no caffeine and no alcohol as I count down the days until our next frozen embryo transfer. And it’s finally feeling worth it; like this is something I really want for our family. I’m hopeful again! Less anxious. Less fearful. More relaxed. Hooray for Prague!